Spring forward?

Published April 13, 2013 by Amazing Grace

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Apparently it will be 18 degrees tomorrow.

Hooray!!!

Should I get the summer clothes out?

Should I put the winter clothes away?

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Wonder

Published April 13, 2013 by Amazing Grace

I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder
I am full of light, I am full of wonder
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, I ain’t falling under
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, I am full of wonder

Though our feet might ache
The world’s upon our shoulders
No way we goin’ break
Cause we are full of wonder

Wo-oh, Wo-oh, We ain’t falling under
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, We are full of wonder

This light is contagious, go, go tell your neighbours
Just reach out and pass it on
This light is contagious, go, go tell your neighbours
Just reach out and pass it on ooh yeah
This light is contagious, go, go tell your neighbours
Just reach out and pass it on ooh yeah
This light is contagious, go, go tell your neighbours
Just reach out and pass it on yeah

Wo-oh, Wo-oh, We ain’t falling under
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, We are full of wonder

When everything feels wrong, and darkness falls upon you
Just try sing along, this is a message from Cabana
If your heart turns blue, I want you to remember
This song is for you, and you are full of wonder

Wo-oh, Wo-oh, we ain’t falling under
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, we are full of wonder

Wo-oh, Wo-oh, we ain’t falling under
Wo-oh, Wo-oh, we are full of wonder

Discovered this song only yesterday – it’s awesome!

So inspiring in a way.

Just reminded me to value myself and everybody around me.

Should not need reminding of this but sometimes things get tough and you get selfish.

This will be my little anthem for April 2013

“Pray for me…”

Published April 12, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Lighthouse

Another mystery I have yet to fathom…

Praying in Church

I wondered sometimes if it really was a manifestation of my awkwardness around people. My lack of understanding of social/Church rules

Sometimes going to Church on a Sunday – I was desperate for prayer. Something had happened and I felt that I needed clarity on the matter – from the almighty via a random person that I did not know. Sometimes, suprisingly it was helpful. I would feel an energy, purpose and peace that I had not had an hour before when I had walked into the service. Sometimes I was none the wiser and I would say thank you and go on my merry way. All much of a muchness.

Do I pray for people?

 

When I was in Church it was an experience that I always found…strange. I would never know what to say when somebody asked me to pray for them. So I would think about two or three things – what does this person tell me, what do I know about the person and what does the Bible say?

I guess I should have signed up for those prayer ministry classes…

 

I always found it so weird that I would pray with people one minute and the next time I would see them they would barely acknowledge me.  If it had not happened so many times I would not believe it.

I had a weird experience in the Summer – and perhaps the one that tipped me in another direction . I went to a Pastorate with a people that I did not know at all really. We had an interesting discussion of where hell might be and why it might be. Then we all ‘prayed’ for each other. Now I cannot even remember what we prayed about. Then we all headed off for the afternoon service. It was a good service – I presume – I cannot remember now. All I really know is that I was overwhelmed by life at time – relationships, questions about self, doubts flying around left right and centre – and I just burst into tears. I sat in my seat next to the four women that I had just prayed with and cried for 10 minutes. In the meantime they slowly got up and left. I was suprised that none of them exhibited any kind of interest in my distress. Suprised and disappointed. I did not really expect much but I did not expect nothing. It was one of the lonliest moments in my life. Ironic when I was in a “busy vibrant London Church” – the tagline on the website. Maybe they were all silently praying for me – who knows…

 

It just put me off Church completely – for a time.

 

I felt bad because the last time I had been to that Church I had sat next to a woman who had just burst into tears so I did what seemed the only nice thing to do – I just put my arm complete stranger until she stopped crying. Never knew her name or why she was crying. It was weird.

 

I think now I have realised that perhaps I should not be bothered to much about these things. We are all after all  by definition humans and therefore flawed but lovely beings – generally.

Do I pray for myself?

 

“You can’t always get what you want…you get what you need”

 

Sometimes rings true

 

Many many prayers have gone unanswered, many. But equally many have been answered in their small ways. I wonder if God wants us to be totally dependant on Him, to be asking every day. I just do not know. Then I wonder – if I was just more obedient then all would be OK.

 

Then the thoughts come creeping in – well what happens if it is not true? What if nobody is actually listening to your pathetic little cries? What if it is all self-soothing stuff to get you through the day? What then? What then?

 

Lol…

 

Just be good

Just be kind

Just be compassionate

Just be forgiving

Just be tolerant

 

 

It just creeps up on you

Published April 12, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Penguins

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

 

Sitting in my flat alone, this evening with only the TV, netbook and smartphone for company, I wonder if there is a caveat for a party of one?

I often really really wonder what people mean then they say feel the presence of Jesus.

I have said many a time that I have – but I am not sure that I REALLY know. Sometimes I have had momentary feelings of ‘something’ but never sustained.

I remember once being walked home by somebody from my old Church and just blithely saying “Now that I know Jesus…”. I did not get any further because he literally stopped me in my tracks and said “Do you REALLY know Jesus”. Then I had to stop and think.

What did I think? I thought – I am not sure if I really do but I thought this is what good Christians say to one another. I thought if I said this, this would be ‘understood’ and you would see what a ‘nice’ person that I am, instead of the horrible person that I feel I am.

 

What did I actually say? ” Oh, well, erm…what I mean is – I, erm, am getting to know the character of Jesus from reading the scriptures” mumble, mumble…

 

I went home and sat on the edge of my bed and thought – do I really know anything?

I am just deceiving myself and other people? Are other people telling me the truth? Is there something wrong with me that I am not having these deep and profound experiences? Am I not good or holy enough? Everybody in my Church seemed so GOOD. Talking in tongues and filled with the spirit. Left me in despair!

This evening, I am wrapped in my ‘Jesus blanket’ (white blanket from Ikea – that somehow took on special significance when I was baptised seven years ago) and I am waiting for the light. I am waiting for peace and feeling that something good is watching over me.

 

Answers on a postcard please!

Published April 12, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Lol…

We somehow decided that our one big holiday this year would be Japan. It looked so exciting – cherry blossoms, temples, Samurais, tea ceremonies and countless other things. Despite my underlying nervousness about earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, and radioactivity I was all set…!

However now with all the politics surrounding North and South Korea – I am not so sure. Nobody appears to be running away from Toyko just yet, so all seems ‘well’ but I suppose one can never be sure about these things until perhaps it is too late. Who knows.

Anyway despite this – we are still sketching together an itinerary Toyko, Kyoto, Nara, Kamakura, Hakone. We will see how that one goes…

Ask a Mormon…

Published April 10, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Apparently they are everywhere…

I am referring to the outdoor campaign at London Underground stations (and buses) that is going to be run for the next month. I think it is in response to the Book of Mormon play that is showing at the Prince of Wales theatre. I have heard that the tickets are sold out.

I was fascinated by seeing posters all over Piccadilly station with seemingly normal smiley people declaring “I am a Mormon”. I understand that the Mormon Church was taking advantage of the publicity surrounding the play.

As I was going up the escalators I wondered how it might look if other faiths/ groups took out such a campaign. “I am a Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Sikh/Buddhist/Agnostic/Atheist/Diest”etc etc… London is a multicultural after-all.

Interesting….

See you on the other side

Published April 8, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Once again I have crossed over to the other side and have become a patient for the morning. This time – MRI brain.

5 years since the last time to look at my pituitary gland in view of my ever increasing prolactin.

MRI machines are noisy business – even with the headphones on. I never heard the music from Magic FM that they claimed would be coming through the speakers. However it did not matter because I had enough thoughts of my own to distract me.

Such as – what will I do when I get the result? What will I do? Who will help me?

Then I was interrupted by the radiographer coming to put a cannula in my arm to allow him to give the contrast. I’d forgotten how uncomfortable a tourniquet felt. I wasn’t sure if it was the contrast or the thought of what the contrast would be highlighting but I was filled with an overwhelming sense of nausea that is with me still.

Then I started noticing how small the tunnel I was lying in was. Then I started to worry even more – what will I do?

Always worrying at the end when the radiographer says ” when are you going to see your consultant next”. Worrying on many levels. As it is, my next appointment is not for another year, so I am going to have to go thought the tedious process of trying to contact my consultant through the protective secretaries or perhaps e-mail.

Anyway for now my next battle is getting through my work. I have an afternoon of people to see, sitting on the other side.