Another mystery I have yet to fathom…
Praying in Church
I wondered sometimes if it really was a manifestation of my awkwardness around people. My lack of understanding of social/Church rules
Sometimes going to Church on a Sunday – I was desperate for prayer. Something had happened and I felt that I needed clarity on the matter – from the almighty via a random person that I did not know. Sometimes, suprisingly it was helpful. I would feel an energy, purpose and peace that I had not had an hour before when I had walked into the service. Sometimes I was none the wiser and I would say thank you and go on my merry way. All much of a muchness.
Do I pray for people?
When I was in Church it was an experience that I always found…strange. I would never know what to say when somebody asked me to pray for them. So I would think about two or three things – what does this person tell me, what do I know about the person and what does the Bible say?
I guess I should have signed up for those prayer ministry classes…
I always found it so weird that I would pray with people one minute and the next time I would see them they would barely acknowledge me. If it had not happened so many times I would not believe it.
I had a weird experience in the Summer – and perhaps the one that tipped me in another direction . I went to a Pastorate with a people that I did not know at all really. We had an interesting discussion of where hell might be and why it might be. Then we all ‘prayed’ for each other. Now I cannot even remember what we prayed about. Then we all headed off for the afternoon service. It was a good service – I presume – I cannot remember now. All I really know is that I was overwhelmed by life at time – relationships, questions about self, doubts flying around left right and centre – and I just burst into tears. I sat in my seat next to the four women that I had just prayed with and cried for 10 minutes. In the meantime they slowly got up and left. I was suprised that none of them exhibited any kind of interest in my distress. Suprised and disappointed. I did not really expect much but I did not expect nothing. It was one of the lonliest moments in my life. Ironic when I was in a “busy vibrant London Church” – the tagline on the website. Maybe they were all silently praying for me – who knows…
It just put me off Church completely – for a time.
I felt bad because the last time I had been to that Church I had sat next to a woman who had just burst into tears so I did what seemed the only nice thing to do – I just put my arm complete stranger until she stopped crying. Never knew her name or why she was crying. It was weird.
I think now I have realised that perhaps I should not be bothered to much about these things. We are all after all by definition humans and therefore flawed but lovely beings – generally.
Do I pray for myself?
“You can’t always get what you want…you get what you need”
Sometimes rings true
Many many prayers have gone unanswered, many. But equally many have been answered in their small ways. I wonder if God wants us to be totally dependant on Him, to be asking every day. I just do not know. Then I wonder – if I was just more obedient then all would be OK.
Then the thoughts come creeping in – well what happens if it is not true? What if nobody is actually listening to your pathetic little cries? What if it is all self-soothing stuff to get you through the day? What then? What then?
Just be good
Just be kind
Just be compassionate
Just be forgiving
Just be tolerant