It just creeps up on you

Published April 12, 2013 by Amazing Grace

Penguins

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

 

Sitting in my flat alone, this evening with only the TV, netbook and smartphone for company, I wonder if there is a caveat for a party of one?

I often really really wonder what people mean then they say feel the presence of Jesus.

I have said many a time that I have – but I am not sure that I REALLY know. Sometimes I have had momentary feelings of ‘something’ but never sustained.

I remember once being walked home by somebody from my old Church and just blithely saying “Now that I know Jesus…”. I did not get any further because he literally stopped me in my tracks and said “Do you REALLY know Jesus”. Then I had to stop and think.

What did I think? I thought – I am not sure if I really do but I thought this is what good Christians say to one another. I thought if I said this, this would be ‘understood’ and you would see what a ‘nice’ person that I am, instead of the horrible person that I feel I am.

 

What did I actually say? ” Oh, well, erm…what I mean is – I, erm, am getting to know the character of Jesus from reading the scriptures” mumble, mumble…

 

I went home and sat on the edge of my bed and thought – do I really know anything?

I am just deceiving myself and other people? Are other people telling me the truth? Is there something wrong with me that I am not having these deep and profound experiences? Am I not good or holy enough? Everybody in my Church seemed so GOOD. Talking in tongues and filled with the spirit. Left me in despair!

This evening, I am wrapped in my ‘Jesus blanket’ (white blanket from Ikea – that somehow took on special significance when I was baptised seven years ago) and I am waiting for the light. I am waiting for peace and feeling that something good is watching over me.

 

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