Preach it sister…
Opened my e-mail today and this was my Word for today.
Somehow I find that the Word always sings to the part of my soul that needs healing.
I continue to pray
[Olivia and Grace meet at a work conference]
Grace: Hi Olivia – that was a really good talk. How are you? I was going to call you last week but it got busy – you know how it is!
Olivia: I am well and yes the talk was good. I am well.
Grace: that’s great – let’s have some tea and a gossip before the next lecture.
[Grace and Olivia pour tea and milk into cups and sit down in the corner of the conference room]
Grace: So…what new?
Olivia: Not much – just ticking along
Grace: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Olivia: I don’t know – feeling a little low these days
Grace: Really? I thought things had settled down? Did you talk?
Olivia: I wonder if I am being selfish staying in this relationship?
Olivia: well he is not 100% happy and I can’t seem to be able to make him happy
Grace: what about you? Are you happy?
Olivia: well I am happy when he is happy…
Grace: that’s not really an answer. Are you happy in this relationship?
Olivia: well at the moment there things that are putting stress on us?
Grace: well that’s normal – life is not perfect
Olivia: but I don’t know what to do to make it better
Grace: hmm – do you like being with him , enjoy spending time with him?
Olivia: of course I do – that’s the best part, but I can’t say that the feeling is mutual.
Grace: hmm…what are you saying?
Olivia: I wonder if he is unhappy when he is with me
Grace: only one way to find out
Olivia: I’m scared
Grace: well – the truth will declare itself soon enough
Olivia: that’s what I am afraid of
Grace: you have to face life as it – speaking of which, back to work!
[Grace and Olivia place their empty teacups on the table and return to their seats]
Not one to whinge and complain and given the current state of affairs in the world – this is totally unjustified. However I thought I had better note how this week has started in the hope that I can improve things on a daily basis.
I think I am burning out! Realised that perhaps I need to slow down when I was reading some papers for work and I started swiping the paper. It took me a minute to realise that I was not reading from my iPad but an actual piece of paper.
My calf is aching like crazy – I went to a step class on Saturday. I recently joined the gym – mainly because my boyfriend said I was fat. I am in fact not fat – 59 kg and size 8 – 10 with BMI 24 – I think makes me OK. I think my bulgy little tummy needs toning. So I have ignored the boyfriend but I have acknowledged the fact that I do little or no exercise and I have very little stamina and strength. I have in the past run two 5k runs for charity but they took me 45 minutes – hardly world breaking. Anyway I digress – I went to step class on Saturday morning – but when I got there I was informed that it was advanced class. It was the first time I had been but I thought “what could be so hard about stepping on and off a plastic box…”. Famous last words. 60 minutes later I changed my mind. Mostly I did not know all the moves, like everybody else in the class, but I was copying people here and there and I was exhausted. Now I think I must have pulled a muscle because I woke up on Sunday morning with an ache in my right calf. It’s sore and feels like how it feels when I get cramps in the night. I now walk with a limp.
Today – despite my best efforts I left work at 8pm in the evening. Central Line playing up so a staggered journey home. I am shattered. Too tired to cook and shop, my dinner tonight was scrambled eggs, bacon and alphabetti (pasta shapes in tomato sauce). Awful – cannot remember eating a meal like that since I was a student / trainee.
I am hoping this is a Monday evening thing.
The saving grace for this evening – tucked up on the sofa listening to jazz FM
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Cannot understand why am awake at four in the morning trembling with fear.
Cannot understand why my heart is trying to burst out of chest at the same time that the elephants are crowding in to take their place.
Cannot understand it at all.
Fear is a strange thing – of the known and the unknown.
It almost feels like a threat but the danger is a vague and nebulous affair at best and clear and present at worst
As a Christian I think I am not meant to be fearful…
But there seems so much to be fearful of before I’ve even opened my eyes.
Perhaps I should mediate on these verses.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD– he is their help and shield.
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children–
Praise the LORD. Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “”Abba,” Father.”
1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
1 Peter 3:13-14
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.”
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.